*fake* knuckles

this girl makes me smile. and makes me hang out with her all the time, which of course i don't mind. kristina and james just moved into town, which is so nice, because it's on the way home from school so i just stop on by. we don't do much, just sit around in their living room that doesn't have a couch and chat.

it's great. sometimes i feel like kristina and james save me from how much i don't like it here and how lonely i feel.

simply

..i love this girl more then i love breakfast food..

i believe God puts people in our lives, not only because we are creations that need other people but because we help each other grow. so that our hard edges are shaved down and we become more of who God wants us to be.

this girl has taught me so much about myself without her even knowing it. i often think about how much she means to me and am continually blown away by the strength of our friendship. she really gets me, even when she doesn't? ha-ha

mochi dates with her are my favorite.

aslan!!

so recently i have decided to finish all the books in the narnia chronicles. i started reading them like a year or more ago. i remember saying, "i'm going to read all these books and all three of the lord of the rings books by the end of the year," obviously life got in the way and i have yet to finish the narnia books. i am so close!

today i was reading chapter 12 called the dark island in the voyage of the dawn treader and came up on this passage.

(just a little back story, they are sailing in the eastern sea on a voyage to find 7 lost lords of narnia, i believe they have already found a couple, or one, by now.. i don't really remember since i picked up reading it from such a long time ago... and they have come upon something that appears to be a huge cloud of darkness in the middle of the bright blue sunny ocean. of course they decided to enter. upon entering they find another lord and he tells them that the island is where dreams come true, but not daydreams, DREAMS. they at once all think of a dream they have tried their hardest to forget and paddle as fast as they can out of the darkness. but it starts to dawn on them all that they will never make it out... this is where we pick up.. with lucy)

"lucy leant her hand on the edge of the fighting top and whispered, "aslan, aslan, if ever you loved us at all, send us help now." the darkness did not grow any less, but she began to feel a little - a very, very little - better. "after all, nothing has really happened to us yet," she thought.

"look!" cried rynelf's voice hoarsely form the bows. there was a tiny speck of light ahead, and while they watched, a broad beam of light fell from it upon the ship. it did not alter the surrounding darkness, but the whole ship ws lit up as if by searchlight. caspian blinked, stared round, saw the faces of his companions all with wild, fixed expressions. everyone was staring in the same direction: behind everyone lay his black, sharply-edged shadow.

lucy looked along the beam and presently saw something in it. at first it looked like a cross, then it looked like an aeroplane, then it looked like a kite, and at last with a whirrling of wings it was right overhead and was an albatross. it circled three times round the mast and then perched for an instant on the crest of the gilded dragon at the prow. it called out in a strong sweet voice what seemed to be words though no one understood them. after that it spread its wings, rose, and began to fly slowly ahead, bearing a little to starboard. drinian steered after it not doubting that it offered good guidence. but no one except lucy knew that as it circled the mast it had whispered to her, "courage, dear heart," and the voice, she felt sure, was aslan's, and with the voice a delicious smell breathed in her face.

in a few moments the darkness turned into a grayness ahead, and then, almost before they dared to begin hoping, they had shot out into the sunlight and were in the warm, blue world again."

i was sitting in the mall when i read this and started crying.

there are two things this reminded me of, that go hand in hand.

God is always and ready to help us out of darkness when we ask. he will save us and keep us safe from all the evil that is around us, or all the evil that is in our darkest dreams.

it also made me think of my dreams. many of you know that for a while i was having really horrible dreams and nights, for when i woke up i couldn't go back to sleep because i was filled with fear, there were even nights when i had to leave my bedroom light on so i could fall back to sleep.

i had, on several occasions, people pray for me and over my house. but one occasion, two people prayed over me and i cannot even explain the amount that i felt the holy spirit, it was so overwhelming and glorious.

but every since that time, although i still wake up in the middle of the night, i have had pleasant dreams and when i do wake up i am not filled with fear any longer.

its amazing how the lord will help you, heal you and set you free.

most of the time all he is waiting for is for us to realize that we can't do it alone, and that we must let go. (like lucy asking aslan for help.)

God is truly the most amazing and loves us more then we know. (that in itself surpasses the most amazing anything ever in this world that you can think of.)

yes yes yes! NO NO NO! yes yes yes! NO NO NO!

i realized as i was sitting on my kitchen floor almost passed out from lack of oxygen, that i might actually be going crazy. 

i couldn't stop thinking about the fact that i'm on an island in the middle of the pacific and the people i love the most are 5,000 miles away from me (and the stupid feeling of feeling like i am absolutely nothing and people don't need me around at all..)

and so i cried, and talked to my mom and my sister. then decided i'd make cookies, eat cinnamon toast with honey on it and watch singin' in the rain. which are three things that remind me of pennsylvania home. (i'm sure you can tell how much i don't want to be on this island right now, and how much i want to be in pennsylvania, romping around the hills, walking to the train tracks, playing on the tree house in nay aug and enjoying the rain and thunder.)

so anyway, i just wanted to let you know that i am in love with gene kelly.

awe the delicious lullaby that is start wars!

the original star was (4,5 and6) are by far some of the best and my favorite movies ever made. 

so last night i went to the movie store and rented all three. i started watching them at around 9pm and gave up not even half way 

through the third one around 230am. 

it was glorious. 

i've been missing my family a lot lately and i am pretty sure that is what spurred on the l

onging to watch star wars. i remember when i was little my whole family (maybe not my mom, but it might have been a realy family affair) watched the 4th and 5th together and i guess my brother sister and i were too little to stay up and watch the 6th one. 

other movies that my whole family loves are of course the back to the future trilogy, indiana jones, singin' in the rain, the birds, and it's a wonderful life (just to name a few). i'm pretty sure we call these movies the clapp essentials. my family is pretty much amazing!

we have pseudo adopted  a couple people into my family. shayna, rachel, emma and jen (who married my stinky brother). although sometimes i want to revert back to the days where there was just the five of us, i am truly blessed by how large and beautiful my family has become.

east coast girl.. with a big heart

and by big heart i mean, God has filled this heart.

so much lately that's it's not even the question of sharing it with people. 

it's more like.. it spills out. it's what i love the most ever. 

i've been playing around with the idea of peace, and from peace it turns to change, and above all it's love. 

there are two things i want to share with you.

one is a poem i wrote about a night that i stood ankle deep in the ocean and just listened to the way the  waves and the winds silenced all the people who were behind me on the sand. 

the song of creation
taking me back
to a cool day
wlking in the garden
with You and only You

the wind whips my hair
grazes my arms
kiss kiss kisses my cheeks

the sun strikes my body
dances down my spin

You
strength in seconds of
solitude

the next one is by oswald chambers who wrote a daily devotional called My Utmost For His Highest. my pastor read this to us today, and it's amazing, so i want to share it with you. it's from july 28 and goes like this:

God’s Purpose or Mine?

" He made His disciples get into the boat and go before Him to the other side . . . "

—Mark 6:45

We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God’s purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.

What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see "Him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see "Him walking on the sea" ( Mark 6:49  ). It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.

God’s training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.

God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.

i hope you are blessed on this beautiful july sunday!

recently fell in love with squids.

so i got very inspired by something my mom said to me the other day. 

she was telling me that there have been giant squids off the coast of california who have been bothering the divers. she said they didn't harm them but that they are very curious creatures and pretty much just want to know what is going on.

thus, my love of squids ensued!  so here he is in all his glory.

i am going to write a story about him and a little girl and the moon. it will be awesome, don't you worry.

lately my life has been amazing because i've been writing a lot, i've been trying to spend a lot more time with the Lord, i'm filling my life with people who lift me up instead of make me feel like garbage under their feet and i watched a really wonderful movie. 

i miss pennsylvania and wish i could hop on over there to play with my family, and visit my friends, (and never leave). 

truly i believe i will move back and as much as i miss it there, i am trying very hard to love love it here and have a blast every single day. 

i am an east coast girl with a big heart. 

i fail

i don't know why i let my anger get the best of me.

i fail.

that's all their is to it.

sometimes this flesh that i live in takes over and i can hardly do anything to stop it.

last night i failed, real big.

i am not happy about it and i feel like the biggest jerk in the world.

but i needed to let go, i can't justify anything i said, and i need to figure out how to let go, without letting all this anger bottled up inside me taking over(and need to figure out how to let go of this anger as well).

all i can say is that i am glad the Lord can renew me and change me and grow me into who He wants me to be.

Romans 8: 37-39

for i am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers. neither height nor depth nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

(i love these verses, because i mess up all the time and the Lord still wants me. there is nothing in this world that can separate me from His love, and the verse right above, if i lean not on my own understandings He will make my path straight. amazing.)

Philippians 4:8

finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--is anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

let my mind be fixed on what is above.

rain rain rain, i miss pennsylvania

so i'm sitting in my house at 7:19 pm reflecting on how wonderful this day has been.

(and it's raining craziness, which makes me miss pennsylvania so so much!!)

i slept at kelli's in the ice cold box, woke up at like 11 and hung out there till kellirooster got home from work.

i was completely out of it, do to not having coffee, so decided to come home and shower and eat. since i'm a poor lazy ass, 

since i'm a lazy ass, i took the bus from the bottom of the hill and walked my bike almost the whole way up. ridiculous.

i then came home and sat in front of my computer, took a shower, ate two bowls or cereal, starting reading a really wonderful book and drank coffee. 

i was texting don't.text all day, which is dumb, but i really was in a wonderful mood and had no one to share it with. 

justin and i have been talking a lot lately, and i think he has almost convinced me to move to pittsburgh when i am done with school, right now we're trying to figure out how to get him out here to visit. talking to him makes me miss not only him, but all the rest of my pittsburgh friends, pennsylvania and my family. moving to pittsburgh would rock becaus

e it's so close to my family! (and i really do love pennsylvania)

so in other news. 

kelli is my love interest for the summer.

i bought a bike!! (i guess you could say it's my other love interest)

i got a new tattoo...(oh gosh, i'm in love with everything these days) he's a walrus and my best friend. 

i hope my job starts soon!!

mer

(i just found this and decided to post it. and dedicate it to the best roommates ever!!)

anyway.

fourth of july was good.

i was so sleepy the whole time though. but i did ride bikes a lot and ate a lot and 

watched some pretty fireworks. 

also we played egyptian rats scew. it was so fun, i kept screaming and once when we all slapped some cards someone cut my hand with their fingernail.

we played wii for like two hours saturday night, bowling and super mario. it was so fun. i lost bowling so bad and won the first game of super mario! yay! then jesse, rob and i 

went on a bike ride. 

i can't really express how grateful i am to have such wonderful roommates. 

we seriously get a long so well and laugh a lot and are real crazy when we're all home. 

best roommates ever!!!

love

so for the past few days i have been taking care of my friend kelli. 

she hurt her ankle while we were out dancing, 

and has been staying at my house or going to work and being a gimply.

the best thing about it, i get to take care of her!

seriously, she is so stuborn and so independent that taking care of her is a joy. 

so she let me borrow her bike. first i rode it with some headphones on down a big hill to meet her and my roommate rob and his friend for lunch/breakfast. i was listening to some enter the worship circle song and just cruising. it was so beautiful, i felt almost like i was flying. i couldn't get the smile off my face. it was like the other day when i went for a run. my lest leg of the run i ran as fast as i could and it was the best feeling ever. i'm sure i looked like a big dork running super fast with a huge smile on my face, oh well. 

so i am the worst at locking up bikes, i was trying to lock it up at the grocery store yesterday and was just laughing at myself and turned around and told the people behind me how locking up bikes is like a puzzle. 

talking about laughing at myself, yesterday i was in the bathroom looking into the mirror i don't remember what i did but i was laughing at myself and then starting thinking about how i am pretty sure God was laughing at me too. i'm sure he has the greatest sense of humor ever, like, how could he not. i'm a goof, my pastor's a goof, jesse's a goof. 

and for that i am very grateful. 

happy july 2 everyone!

so everyday i walk around talking to myself in my head. 

i see things like the clouds or something interesting happens on the bus ride to school or wherever, or i see a homeless person and i start to think about their life, and what lead them to the place they are in right now. 

i have realized a lot lately about my life, and one huge thing i have realized is that i love to write but not only that, i love to share with people that things that impact me in a way that maybe hasn't impacted them and perhaps my looking at things in a different way will impact people. 

so anyway, i am reading this book called "to own a dragon" by donald miller. 

it's all about how donald grew up without a father and to process of him learning how to be a man and learning that God really is our father. 

it's a very interesting read, especially because i'm a lady. but there are really key points that i have been learning (and through this book, i think it is helping me figure out what i should look for in a man that i would want to marry).

i am on chapter 8 right now and i'll just share what i have learned in this chapter. 

he talks about things that he did that he thought were horrible and destoryed his life, like spilling paint on the new livingroom carpet or stepping on his first girlfriend's turtle. then goes on to say how silly it was that when he was little he thought those things destroyed his life (i thought about all the times in my life that happened and laughed to myself while i read this)

but then he goes on to say, "you get to thinking about the girl(guy) who rejected you, the job you got fired from, the test(or class in my life ha) you failed, and you lose sight of the big picture--the fact that life has a beautiful way of remaking itself every few weeks." 

this is amazing. it helps me out a lot because there are tons of things that have been weighing down on me for the past couple months and life really is like that, more then life, it's God who is like that. he renews us and helps us to walk in his way, and everything we go through is just to make us stronger. i am so grateful for the renewal i've had in my life the past month or so. everyday is bearable because of God.